We weren't each others "one".
That's it. We just broke up because we realized it wasn't going to work, and we we're just holding on to each other because we couldn't bear to face the truth. It fucking sucks. I have spent my entire adult life with him, and I thought I was safe and happy and that even though I still went to sleep alone every night, one night I would fall asleep beside him. And that gave me hope. Right now I just feel like my heart has been skinned alive. Raw, bleeding, traumatized. I don't know what to do. Yeah, we weren't engaged or married or had a kid together or anything, but what we had was (or at least I thought) solid and strong. Now, my rock, my best friend and the man I loved more than life itself, is gone from my life. The worst part?
I don't know how to stand on my own.
I guess though, that this is to be expected. I mean, if I know one thing it's that what I'm feeling is normal and that I'm healing in as healthy way as possible. I know that one day I will make it out of this nightmare, but what I'm worried about is the scarring, how bad is it going to be? The emotional deformities, will I be able to overcome them? Fuck I wish I had some Medermix for that. I'm not depressed, not angry or regretful of the time we had, which makes it all the more bittersweet. My ex's mom said it best. It's sad. Simple as that. Terribly, horribly sad. I fight most everything that happens to me, fight it with anger and spite or let the fire parking inside of me burst into a magmous explosion of fury and burning desire to dominate. But with my dog and now my ex, anger does nothing. It's not going to change anything, bring them back. It just won't. So I can't protect myself with the rage that's been inside of me since birth (ask my mom). Okay, first and last of my weapons in the arsenal are gone. So I have to bear the sadness. And there isn't much point in complaining or groaning about it, because it's life sweetheart. It's life. Who said it was suppose to make you smile??
I've learned a lot in the two weeks (yeah, I'm only now able to write about it) since we broke up. Not so much about myself, but about the way life works. I've decided that there is no such thing as the "one and only", or at least, not for me. I don't think there ever will be to be honest. Maybe it's because of my broken heart or maybe it's because of the recent degree of disillusionment or maybe it's because I find it comforting. The thought that there will never be the perfect one for me for some odd reason makes me happy. I don't know why dealing with this heartbreak makes me happy to think about the fact that if I never have one true love I will be able to love many many people in my lifetime if that also means I will feel much heartbreak in my lifetime. Maybe it's because I'm young and need to cope with being single for a while longer. Maybe it's because I want to experience life fully and wholly. I read a quote on someone's Facebook (I know, I have no life) and it said not to trust in signs from God. God gave us free will, we should use it. Even though I believe in God, I can't say I believe that everything happens for a reason. I just believe that everything happens as it is suppose to, not necessarily with logic or a divine presence behind it. Probably more clearly- everything happens as it will. I can't control it, I can only control myself. Not believing in fate is somehow comforting to me. Do I still believe that the divine forces of the universe are fucking me over?? Hell yes. Do I think that they have a master plan behind it all?? No way. I guess I just think that they align everything perfectly so the shit hits the fan and then sit back as we all struggle by our lonesome to pick ourselves up from the wreckage and find a way to move on. Do I expect the divine hand of God to reach in and save me? Honestly, no. I know He's out there, idk why, I just do. But do I think that he is holding me up right now? As far as I can tell, no. No I don't. I haven't felt Him reaching down to help me walk across the stormy waters of my life, no matter how many times I scream to Him for help because no one else will save me. That kindof sucks.
Basically, I've gotten to the point where I don't know how to start walking again. I've been propped up on the crutches of the excuse "My dog died and my boyfriend of three years and I just broke up" for a while now, I can't really hide behind it anymore. But the thing is, now I have absolute freedom to define myself. If I find a way in the midst of the hell that is this semester to save my horrific grades and manage to triumph in college and do well enough on my GREs, I have the possibility to go to graduate school (ideally, even though not realistically) anywhere. To run away from this nightmare and to create a new future for myself. How many times do you get the opportunity for that? Fresh start. So this sucks, and this is hard, but I need to find a way to get through it so that I can live the kind of life that I want, regardless of what happens to me romantically. I have one shot at life, and I'll be damned if I let this shit get in the way of me doing what I want. So, first things first, I'm surviving the weeks regardless of how absolutely horrible the things that are happening are. Survival: check. Now let's move on to succeeding in classes again and making a list of all the things that I want to do this year, and DOING them. I doubt I'll become a happy, gleeful young woman, but I think that I will become more self-sufficient and if you know me, then you know how much I believe in the mantra that people lead meaningful lives when they know that they have a purpose. It's like training a dog to sniff for drugs. The dog is happy to have something about him that is valuable and gives his life purpose and meaning. People aren't that different. And that's a start, especially if I want to bike across India. Hm, motorcycle lessons...and self defense classes, okay, that's on the Christmas wish list.
Originally I was going to post a bunch of YouTube songs that I've been listening to to get me through every day the past month, but that is a lot of raw emotion in a lot of songs, so I'm just going to post this song, which I have to add this disclaimer to; I don't agree with the message of "keep looking up because I'm there for you somewhere"...but I like the lyrics besides that. Also, if Ashton Kutcher and Jolene Blalock had a son, he would be Landon Pigg's doppelgänger twinsie.
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