Butt Fucked. Again.

Fucking HELL!


Yet again, I get fucked over in life. Not even going to talk about it. Just fucking pissed that in one month three out of four of the most precious things to me were taken away: my dog, my boyfriend, and my academic record. Great. Cosmos, if you fuck with my family I will fucking go apeshit on your psychopathic ass.

Basically, I would love to whine and piss and moan about my life here. Because let's face it. Now I have NO one to bitch to. You think I'm kidding? Nope. Friends all live outta state/country so calling them up and complaining about how shit my life is lately is pretty much out of the question. And the one person who was always there for me night and day is no longer dating me. Awesome. So this is a test of how much Holly can take is it??

Fuck that shit. You know what happens when you take away everything I care about? You think I rally my spirits and Braveheart it? You've gotta be fucking shitting me. No, I just sit there, and let myself get pummeled and refuse to stand up against it. Except now, now that SCHOOL, my fucking FUTURE, is in jeopardy, the one thing I literally sacrifice almost everything over- sleep, food, friends, stress-free days, -$80,000- that is at stake. I have no other talents outside of the academic world, literally, I can't cross the street, cook, tie my shoes (okay, I can tie my shoes, but the other two are true), so if I lose this, I have nothing. Literally, nothing. The one thing that I can change is crumbling at my feet and instead of picking up a sword and destroying it all what am I doing?

Sitting here, with a migraine, haven't slept more than four hours a night in three weeks, haven't eaten in two days, writing this blog instead of going and getting dinner and doing some HW before work. Broken. Done. Completely hopeless and just done trying. So emotionally warped in the past month that she no longer has the strength to fight to get into a top graduate school in the nation and instead is ready to just stop moving and to stand still, refusing the pull of time. Because that's something I never thought of. Just giving up? Me? The OLD me? Not a chance in hell. Now, the new me?

I really don't give a damn anymore. Seriously. I don't give a damn. Because you know what? There is absolutely NOTHING that I can do to stop whatever is going to happen to me. Nothing. So why try to fight it. I already know what is going to happen. My grades are going to get destroyed, the whole future I built for myself will crumble to the ground and the plot-line will evolve into some cheesy Hollywood style (ha! how fitting...) coming of age story. Why try to fight a cliche? I already know that I will never be anyone, that little secret I kept hidden from the world for so long, the one that ate away at me the first two years of uni, finally ate a hole through to the surface. I am not important. I am not intelligent or talented or beautiful. I don't scream success. I already know it, the world might as well too. I'm tired of trying to pretend to be someone I'm not. So happy universe? Happy? You finally broke me. And I know you don't give a shit about me so this is not an enraged "fuck you". I don't expect some miracle to happen in my life, for this all to mean something some day. Because I know it won't. So I'm not giving you the birdie, I'm waving a white flag.

I give up.

And how am I going to celebrate? I plan on getting smashed and fucking the hottest guy I can find. I'm planning on purposefully fucking myself over even more royally because what's the point in trying to fix something if I can't even change it for the better?? Nope, this is my FU to the universe. Wanna play this game? Wanna see who can destroy my life more?? HA! You're toast. I've already got it covered.


Bottoms up!