Song for a Winter's Night.

(Song for a Winter's Night, Sarah McLachlan)

Ever heard this song? I think it is beautiful. When I was younger, my ballet teacher played this song every winter, almost every class in December. Listening to it pulls me away from reality for a while and all I can hear is the creak of pointe shoes, the smell of rosin, the feel of tights and my black leotard...I love it. Sarah is an incredible artist, every time I hear her music not only do I think about my dance studio, I remember seemingly meaningless details sharp enough to take my breath away. I guess I never really thought about it, but in someways, I locked the last vestiges of my childhood in that studio (well actually it was two). I started dancing when I was three years old and continued to dance until I entered into uni. Basically I grew up at the studio, though I never did make it to adulthood. My music teacher in high school once talked about how musicians have a special way of reacting to the music while they play, how the music sucks them in and how they're suppose to meld into the intangible presence of the music. I guess that's why I never really made a phenomenal musician- in my head I was always dancing when I played music. I saw the movements and the stage lights and felt the lifts and turns and leaps deep in my muscle and bone. Whenever I hear a song, I judge it based on whether or not it inspires me to get up and dance around my tiny apartment. And that's it. Literally. Probably one of the reasons I live alone...my strange habits and all. If I've had a horrible day and I just want to cry, I turn on some music, strap on the shoes and leggings and baggy sweater and just start dancing across the room. Usually it's improv when I'm feeling a really strong emotion, but sometimes, like after my dog died or my ex decided to burn all the bridges connecting our lives, I'll stretch and do my exercises, just to restore that sense of order in my life. I don't know why, but it's one of those things that just makes the world melt away.

My biggest regret in life, odd as it may seem, is never trying to make it professionally in dance. When I was about thirteen, my teachers urged me to audition for our company but something always held me back. I made excuses about money and school and time, but really I was just afraid. Afraid to actually enjoy myself and to chase after a dream. It's one thing to be a dreamer and another to live that dream. In fact, if I really look back at the decisions I've made for myself in life, that is my single regret. Shocking, I know. It sounds frivolous and trivial and like I'm trying to escape my hell of a reality and you know what? It's exactly that. Which to me, is what makes it so beautiful. I guess I have to trust that out of this regret something good will be made and that this is just pushing me onto whatever I am meant to do with my life, but still, a regret is a regret.

So, my New Year's resolution? Well, I guess it would have to be two-fold. First, is to not be afraid anymore. Lately, life and especially the future, has been really scary to me and  I don't want to regret another decision I make. I want to go live the dreams I have for myself and do it with a total disregard to the societal rules and standards for life. Who decided that to be happy in life you had to follow these rules? Who said that the only way to feel safe and secure in life is to live life a certain way?? Kids, a husband, a house in the suburbs...blah blah blah. To deny that standard is terrifying...and exhilarating. But it's also dangerous because I could end up loosing my way, and undoubtedly I will lose my way. So the second part of my New Year's resolution would have to be this:

Know thyself.

Or γνῶθι σεαυτόν as the Greeks would write (yes I plan on visiting the Temple of Apollo at Delphi...). Hnn, guess my mantra has changed eh? No longer baby steps, nope...I'm finally standing on my own two feet, not looking back. So, pushing on into the future, I only want to secure one thing about my identity: to know myself. After all, what else really matters? Knowing who you are determines where you stand, how you choose, and whether or not you can sleep well each night with that identity. And not only to know myself, I guess, but to trust in that identity. Had I done that, maybe I would still be dancing in the studio to this song, even if it were only for a few more years. The unconventional life shouldn't be seen as wrong, and I shouldn't be terrified at breaking the expected high school->college->job->family path that American society dictates I need to follow. Hell, if you want to be remembered, in some respects you should be unconventional and lead an even more unconventional life. Create your own path and all that inspirational crap. But seriously, how many people actually do it??

Count me in. 

Happy New Year everybody. You've only got one left before the world blows up. ;)



Oh! I might have already said it, BUT, the New Year's resolution for this blog is to write a quote at the top or bottom of each post. I had it in mind to start doing it a few weeks back considering most of my titles come from quotes anyways, but I can't remember if I posted it or not. xD More on the DC adventures (with pictures!) to come!!

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Also, some administrative details...apparently this is my 100th worthless blog post. Yay! That and, yes, because it is a new year I am indulging myself and changing my background (so many pretty options). Yes, I'm aware PC lovers, the background right now looks like the stereotypical Mac background, but -blasphemy- I 1) actually like Mac books and 2) it was either this or a bunch of flying birds...given the fact that birds are dumb, dirty animals that mindless sorority girls seem to love to tattoo flying off of their shoulders and other body parts...I went with space. Deal with it, it's likely to change anyways. I'm finicky like that. :p Also, the font, yeah I don't really like it and I'm working to change it. But does anyone really care about this little blurb anyways??? Erhm, no, okay this is just Holly being strange and OCD and talking to herself...I'm going to go eat. ^^