Odessy.

Hey all, 

This post is pretty personal, but I'm putting it up anyways, because I feel like I need to post a tribute to the best person I ever knew. Feel free to just look at some cute photos posted in the beginning, or just move onto the next post. What's posted below is corny and sad and I don't really know why I'm posting something this personal other than the fact that I've just written it and would feel guilty not posting it. The most important part isn't the words though I guess. 

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"As they were talking, a dog that had been lying asleep raised his head and pricked up his ears. This was Argos, whom Odysseus had bred before setting out for Troy, but he had never had any enjoyment from him. In the old days he used to be taken out by the young men when they went hunting wild goats, or deer, or hares, but now that his master was gone he was lying neglected on the heaps of mule and cow dung that lay in front of the stable doors till the men should come and draw it away to manure the great close; and he was full of fleas. As soon as he saw Odysseus standing there, he dropped his ears and wagged his tail, but he could not get close up to his master. When Odysseus saw the dog on the other side of the yard, dashed a tear from his eyes without Eumaeus seeing it, and said,

'Eumaeus, what a noble hound that is over yonder on the manure heap: his build is splendid; is he as fine a fellow as he looks, or is he only one of those dogs that come begging about a table, and are kept merely for show?'

'This hound,' answered Eumaeus, 'belonged to him who has died in a far country. If he were what he was when Odysseus left for Troy, he would soon show you what he could do. There was not a wild beast in the forest that could get away from him when he was once on its tracks. But now he has fallen on evil times, for his master is dead and gone, and the women take no care of him. Servants never do their work when their master's hand is no longer over them, for Zeus takes half the goodness out of a man when he makes a slave of him.' So saying he entered the well-built mansion, and made straight for the riotous pretenders in the hall. But Argos passed into the darkness of death, now that he had seen his master once more after twenty years."

Homer, Odyssey, Book 17

For those of you who have lost a pet, I know what you're going though. It's painful and it doesn't feel like it will ever end. I don't know if it will, I don't know if you can ever forget the pain of losing someone so precious as your loving companion. Maybe life is like Advil. It doesn't get rid of the pain, it just distracts you. 

Regardless, if you're upset and sobbing into your pillow for eight hours straight like I was, it's okay. You're grieving. It hurts but you have to let yourself grieve. I had a friend tell me the most comforting thing ever when I was crying to him about being so weak. He said, quote, "Stop. You're not weak. You are human. ... It won't get better but it will get easier." Talk to your friends, talk to your family, and if they don't understand that loosing a pet is just as painful as loosing another human being, find someone else to talk to. There are an infinite amount of pet loss support groups and helplines to call. There are even some that meet online in chat rooms once a week so you don't even have to leave your home to get help. You need to grieve and you need to learn how to feel happy again. It's what your pet would want. It's going to be okay. 

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This weekend was probably the worst weekend of my life. Dante's Inferno and the nine levels of Hell can't even compete. Cocytus? I wish. I know I complain a lot, piss and moan about life and the most inconsequential of things on a daily basis, but this actually beats all the shit that's ever happened to me;

My dog died. 

I don't really know what to say. Friday she's happy and smiling and jumping all over me like a little puppy so excited to see me and the next she's collapsing into my arms vomiting and struggling to breathe and I'm sobbing begging her not to die. I won't go into the details, because I'm already shell-shocked and traumatized and I'm just not ready to peel off the scab yet. But I do need to say something. I have a blinding headache from sobbing for two days straight that is still plaguing me three days later and my hands can still feel the warmth of the fur on her head. My thigh still feels the spot where Shi would just rest her chin while I sat at the table and worked. My nose still feels the cool wetness of her nose from me forcing Eskimo kisses on her. Huh, she hated those, and damn did I love them. 

God how much I love her. 

Everywhere I go, I feel her, remember her in some way. Ways totally unrelated to her before bring waves of stinging nostalgia on me. Things stupid and unrelated, like opening a cup of pudding to walking and hearing the fall leaves crunch under my feet. Everything reminds me of her, her mannerisms and oddities. Of how much she loved, loved, my and my family and refused to give up on showing us that. When I cry all I can think about is how when I cried at home Shiloh would find me and nudge me with her head until I stopped crying and started focusing on her. What a ham. Always wanted to be petted, always wanted to lay near you, eat your food (even though I told her she can't eat pudding...). She was my baby. The most precious being in the world to me. I obsessed about her health, fought with the parents to let her sleep in my room, bought her Christmas presents and insisted she got to open them. I sat with her on the front porch and stared out and the world while she sat calmly at my side. She was innocence and loyalty and love. She was perfect. And the thought of never seeing her run up to greet me when I come home, or watching her root around in the garden, or just simply feeling her lay her head on my knee and petting her head hurts so bad. It's the worst kind of hurt I've ever experienced. I feel like my soul has been ripped out of me and my bloody broken self is lying on the floor, unable to move. I don't know how to live my life without her. I just don't. Any you know the strange thing? I can still feel her. When I went to her grave to say goodbye before I left for school again, I could almost feel the warmth of her body six feet under radiating on the palm of my hand, like she was saying see you in a week, I'll hold down the fort for you while your gone. Just like she always did. I don't know where it comes from, but I just feel her. And it scares me because I don't ever want to stop feeling her presence, but I don't want to keep her from going where she's suppose to me. I don't know where she is, and it terrifies me. I don't know if she's safe and if she feels loved and if she's lonely. I just want her to know that I will always love her and I'm here for her, right here, if she ever needs me. I just want her to know I never wanted to leave her. 

I know now that the reason I came home last weekend was so that Shi wouldn't die alone. I was the one who stayed with her through her three incidents, the one who noticed that something was wrong, who tried the Heimlich and pumping her heart, and my dad told me that she would be fine and to go inside and study for my exam. I said bullshit in my mind, but I went upstairs and told myself I would call my boyfriend and then he would tell me she would be alright like always and I would go back downstairs and sit with her some more. I rubbed her belly and patted her forehead and mumbled that I loved her but I didn't Eskimo kiss her or look her in the eyes and make a fuss because my dad was there, but something told me I should. I ignored it, and now I'll never be able to look into her understanding eyes and kiss her nose to nose ever again. She died not one minute after I left. I'll never forgive myself for that. I begged Shi not to die, and then I left and she did and either it was because she felt hopeless or because she was holding on just long enough so I would have to watch her go, only my mom and dad. Because she was trying to protect me, just like she always did. 

I know this was probably a shit eulogy, and maybe I'll come back to work on this, but I guess the most important thing is that I just write down something. Anything. I'm doing better now, and I guess that the pain will become like an old friend over time, but I don't want it to be easier. Because if it's easier then it means that I'm beginning to forget. I don't want to forget and I don't want to stop feeling her presence in my life. My mind is on lock down mode, and I feel like right now I'm blocking out reality. Trying to ignore the truth and fabricate my own reality. No longer crying because of the sheer physical inability to release any more sorrow. Laughing with friends and stressing about school because that's what I'd normally do and trying to pretend the guilt isn't there. Trying to pretend like I'll see her running up to the car on Friday.  But I won't. 

Shiloh, I hope you can hear me. I hope you can feel my love where ever you are right now and I hope you aren't alone or afraid. I want you to know that I miss you, and I will keep on missing you until I see you again. I love you baby, it's gonna be alright. You're gonna be okay. I love you.

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