...and it's phallic weapons. Of course. Think I'm lying?? Click on the link below to take pleasure in the sexual delights of the world of archaeology:
Science!
And for those of you who are to fucking lazy to click on the link, here's some motivation for you:
Yeah, I know. It's a penis. Gasp!
Well, to be more precise, it's actually a dildo from the lovely country of Sweden that dates anywhere from 4,000 to 6,000 years old.
Damn could you get some serious cash for that on e-bay.
To sum up the article, scientists explain that this phallic joy was carved out of an antler bone but refuse, despite the obvious likeness (it's "penile" shaped for those of you who are blind), our friends over at the National Heritage Board in Sweden refuse to definitively assert that this artifact was used as a sex toy.
Bahahahaha! It's Sweden people. Of COURSE it was a sex toy.
I love it though. They refuse to admit that this is obviously a dildo, claiming that it could have been used, for example, in fertility rituals or something. Yeah, that or it could have been rammed up someone's ass for pleasuring purposes. I mean, comeon people! It's the Stone Age...not a whole lot to do and the male pickings aren't that great if you know what I mean. No offense, but I would never fuck something that looked like Big Foot (you know, the rendition in that beef jerky commercial?? we're not talking the Geico cavemen here...at least they have some semblance of suave intelligence), not to mention the intellect of a goose, the striking facial physical likeness of a sloth, and the motor skills of a retarded buffalo. Yeah, doubt he's hit my G-spot. Maybe if he evolved past the rest of the land mammals I'd consider ignoring the hairy steel wool on his back and get down and dirty. But I doubt it. The only unsocialized human I'd ever fuck is Tarzan, Brendan Fraser style. Ohhhhh babay!
At any rate, this awesome article eventually sent me to my favorite (and more than likely made of 2 parts utter bull shit, 1 part word of mouth) search engine, Wikipedia, to see where the glittery, strawberry-flavored, glow in the dark hot lesbian sex companion came from. I suppose I should add the "those glittery, strawberry-flavored, glow in the dark hot pleasure maker for women who married men with chodes who pop estrogen pills for breakfast" clause, just to be all encompassing. ^^ Firstly, this is the photo under the 'History' section (for those of you too prude to go look yourself...haha wait, five buck says half of you already wiki-ed it...have I ever said that I love you???):
O.o Ooooh! Pretty. :D Anyways, apparently the oldest known dildo comes from Germany. Hurra!! Says Wiki:
"The world's oldest known dildo is a siltstone 20-centimeter phallus from the Upper Palaeolithic period 30,000 years ago that was found in Hohle Fels Cave near Ulm Germany."
So, 10 points for Germany, fail for the rest of the world. According to the rest of the article, dildos have been found in ancient Greece (haha, no surprise there), ancient Egypt, and 15th century China (apparently women crafted them out of lacquered wood...O.o). Though, everyone should give a big round of applause to Ted Marche, the man who pioneered the manufacturing and distributing of rubber dildos in 1966. Without him, we wouldn't be nearly as horny as we are today.
On another interesting note, and I did not know this, dildos are banned in both India and several of the 50 states...which is just really fascinating to me. I mean, I can actually see India banning dildos...but the US?! I mean, Jesus, it's America. The land of the free and the home of the dirty hoes. Wow, I guess it just goes to show that the right-wing evangelical activists can go a long way in state government. O.o
No comments:
Post a Comment