Baa Baa Black Sheep.

I would love to say I am this ridiculously original person, but alas, I am a copycat. Granted more of a patchwork quilt style copycat, but nonetheless. Where did I learn to swear from? My guy friends. Where did I get my thinking expressions (minus my -ahem- classy oh-so-intense drool stare...that's my original, honest-to-god concentration face....dear lord, no wonder I was never a muse for Auguste Rodin)? All my GSI's and profs. My walk? My dad. My back-the-fuck-off-smile? My mom and one sister. How about my sick obsession with tea cups? My first bffl. My love of Asian food (and sub-par chopstick skills)? My other bffl (well, not the sub-par chopstick skills...that's my own fault O.o) Shamu? My third bffl (yes I have THREE XD) And my sense of humor? My youngest sister. My taste in music? My boyfriend.

Basically the list goes on and on....but I didn't really want to continue for fear of realizing that I'm exactly like Vivian Ward (the fact that I hate eggs is my only saving grace at this point...). I just felt guilty if I didn't include the most important people in my life. Which, on an odd side note, may or may not be on the list of most influential people in my life. Strangely enough, those who I know the least are often the ones I am affected (or is it effected, damn if I will ever remember) by the most and most strongly. Hell, a good two-thirds of my quilt is modeled around these persons- the ones who have a fleeting role in my life. These are the people that I find myself chasing after. I know, I know. CHEESE. But seriously. I do. From my physical mannerisms, to the way I speak and write, hell, all the way down to what I value most in life, basically a large portion of my life's philosophy, has been shaped in some way, shape or form by a handful of people I knew for less than a year (or at least knew well).

I constantly have my head in the clouds. I daydream basically until I fall asleep. I get so damned restless with my life, I feel like it's a way for my brain NOT to spontaneously combust. Like I said, attention span of a goldfish. Usually I plan, plan, plan. And notoriously, these plans fall through. Hell, it's basically my theme song. I say I will do something bold and I always, ALWAYS, back down. But the two-thirds of my quilt, well, I mean, shit, these people were incredible. Literally, just, wow. And fuck what I would have done to follow them if I'd been given the second chance. Just tag along for their crazy roller coaster of a ride. Because wherever they were going, it was somewhere. Somewhere important and exciting and more vastly meaningful than anything I could ever stumble upon on my own.

See that's the shitty thing. I don't have the balls (anatomically and metaphorically) to follow them. And what's worse is that I don't have the guts to strike out on my own. I make these plans and then go chicken shit and I have no idea why. I blame it on timing, life, others, but in reality it's me.

I've often wondered if this is all because I shape who I am based around who I care about. And then I realize that just sounds stupid, because everyone is shaped by others. So, what makes someone worth imitating? How the hell am I suppose to flavor myself original, you know, someone time actually remembers? Everyone who is important to me just seems so massive. I just feel like I don't have the something that makes me a someone.

*Original copyright 1902 by William Wallace Denslow, http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/18546, accessed 11 June 2010.