I'm Gonna Grape You in the Mouth!

O.o


So, sorry about no postings the past two days but here's the story- The power went out around 12:30AM two nights ago and being the ninny that I am, I was scared shitless. You see, my laptop was stolen a few weeks back so I've been condemned to a desktop computer in our basement. Let me repeat that- BASEMENT, a windowless, damp, dark, concrete basement. Naturally, when the power cut out I assumed it was because someone was trying to kill me. To which, naturally, I instinctively responded with a slew of cuss words and then proceeded to army crawl (no, literally) up the two flights of stairs to my bedroom, clutching me cell phone and a goddamned fork. A FORK. Because you know, if someone was really trying to kill me, I needed to defend myself and then be able to call an ambulance when I failed miserably. Cripes. And then, because my family lives out in the boondocks, the internet was down until a few hours ago. Meh, dial up. Damn you.

Anyways, back to blogging!! Dun Dun Dun DUN!!!! So, I can't go today without giving a shoutout to mothers. Yes, yes, some of you may recall my current, ahem, "opinions" (Euphemism alert! Euphemism alert!) about the little darling poop-factories, however, I gotta give a lot of credit to the great mums out there who deal with that kinda nasty day in and day out. What did I do for my mamma today? Well, being the classy, original gift giver I am, I bought into the commercialized and overly stereotyped gift of hanging baskets of shrubbery;


















and the ever enticing gift of shiny jewelry!!! Hooray for originality!!! Though, I think I've been pretty slick the past few mother-dedicated days. For instance, on my mum's last birthday my sisters and I wrote a rap-themed birthday card (my mother was going through a phase, Mary mother of Jesus save us) that ended in these delightful stanzas:

"Yo straight up,
I ain't lyin',
You're turning 48,
You close to dyin'"

Yeah, it was definitely an emotional tear-jerker. Though, I'm still curious as to why my favorite mug was torpedoed at my face by mom... O__O Which reminds me of my next question: why the HELL do department stores think my mother would enjoy hanging fern baskets?!?! Damn are they one ugly pair. And talk about gender-stereotyping. Shockingly, not all mothers are enticed and placated by hanging floral fauna and not all dads drool at the prospects of new shiny "man-toys". I mean, shit, my mom can't even keep a tank of gold-fish alive for more than five days (she boiled the suckers to death when she cleaned the tank- fresh sushi anyone?? Though the lavish five-hour funeral we gave them was certainly punishment enough for her...), so how on earth is she going to be able to maintain these two plants? I'll tell you how: me. Yeah, yeah, family, talk about the gift that keeps on giving. Not to mention the indispensable joys of free labor (and the borderline child abuse, do you know how many dishes I had to do today!!!!??? My hands are STILL wrinkly).






If you're wondering where the title came from, check out this video. It's hilarious...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fqq051BU2MY



Oh and a special shoutout to my delightfully fantastic lone follower, the most epic fan in all of the kingdoms of this earth! I love you!!! 8D Thanks for kicking my ass to maintain my oath and continue to post despite the traumatizing and life-threatening events of the past two days. I forge on through this uncertain blogging universe because of you!!!!!



Yeah, I know, dramatica anyone?? ;)