So Many Pedestrians, So Little Time...

Ah! Okay, let's finally get to this!!


So, this evening was possibly the most nauseating experience of my life. And shockingly, it didn't involve lil' miss Cyrus or any other hollywood hoe who have been horrifically gifted with the disgusting ability to induce my gag reflexes at the drop of a name. No no, my nauseating experience involved a pudgy bus driver with a terrifying home-perm and dye job. TRAGIC. Has anyone out there heard the old saying that women can't drive??


Yeah, whoever coined that phrase is bloody right.


This woman was psycho. I mean absolutely off her rocker. Talk about one flying over the cuckoo's nest. I've never been so close to death for such a prolonged period of time before in my life. My darling bus driver powered through eight curbs, blasted through cross walks, almost killing an innocent grandmum, and ignored every damned red light on our treacherous journey across the perilous city of Ann Arbor. Christ. And if that weren't enough, this highly skilled and astute driver had enough adroitness to make our bus ride as smooth as a fucking maelstrom at sea. She possessed such incredible prowess as to both accelerate and decelerate simultaneously whilst somehow managing to bullet across the city like a jet plane hitting enough turbulence to induce enough brain damage to make every single passenger a drooling cucumber in 0.000001 seconds flat. Stop. Go. Stop. Go. Stop. Go. Stop. Go. Stop. Go. Like being rocked to sleep by the Tourette syndrome variation of Hulk Hogan. This cootch was unbelievable, just what the hell. It was so freaking horrifying the only way I could think to preseve any of my mental facilities, not to mention SANITY, was to treat the whole damned incident like it was an out of body experience. Kind of like watching a train wreck and being mortified but still unable to tear your eyes away. And then of course you realize, "Oh shit! I'm in this fucking death-mobile " Hades be damned. Cerberus move over. Satan try not to scream like a girly girl. This crazy bitch of a driver is going to rock your world like a freaking wrecking ball of doom. DOOM I TELL YOU!!!

Twenty terrifically paralyzing minutes later I stumbled out of the bus, literally stunned to not only be alive but retain all of my organs in perfectly biologically functional form; patting down all my appendages and gingerly scoping out the landscape of my cranium, absolutely flabbergasted that I had sustained to permeating external damage. And then what did I proceed to do?

Mac on the goddamn asphalt in a more than suggestively pornographic way.

And what does Miss Dale-fricking-on-crack-Earnhardt Jr. do?

Spins out of the cursed commuter lot in her thrice-damned vehicle, tires squealing and asphalt tearing all the way. Swear to god I heard her insane cackle reverberate through the air. Swear to god.