Survival of the Fittest

Yeah, I have no idea why I'm still alive. Damn you Darwin for cursing me so! Why does society insist on beautiful, toned bodies on twenty-somethings? NOT FAIR. Thanks society, for turning my lazy habits of ramen eating, internet surfing, sweatpant wearing and sleeping excessively (only to stay up until even the evil Darth Vader hiding in my closet gets exhausted late) into a crime. Crapheads.


Today, I actually did it (again, with the perverts...). I went running (and yes, I would have incredibly preferred the other act to which your minds were fantasizing over). Granted it was only a 1/4 mile run, and I spent well over half of it walking, but still, I surpassed the goal of putting on the running shoes and actually ran. Christ. If I ever needed a reason to prove the infinite wisdom in underachieving this has to be it. Possibly the worst 20 minutes of my life. What an idiot. On the contrary, the dog exhibited intelligence beyond her years and her species. I had planned to take her fat ass and my fat ass running together and what does the jerk do? Refuses to even trot. That is, until I turn the ship around and head back home to drop her sorry butt off (we hadn't even gotten a 10th of a mile away from home mind you). Then, THEN, of COURSE the rapscallion begins a full out sprint, dragging my sorry ass all the way home. Traitor.

So awesome. Ditch the dog. Hang on, I'm going in solo. I mean, I figure I'm doing pretty good, made it about a tenth of a mile before my lungs started feeling like they were going to explode. And yes, the joy in that achievement was sarcastic, and yes...that tenth of a mile was down-hill. Completely at probably about a 45 degree incline. FML. The rest of the story is so horrifically pathetic, I might die of embarrassment. Basically, I've never been so grateful for spring rains and the fact that I live in the goddamn Sherwood forest before in my life, less spectators to stare and me an commence rolling on the ground in laughter at my complete and total whimpiness. Yes, it's true. I'm the kind of person who would give up when being chased down by the terrifying bad guy and collapse on the ground wheezing. In fact, I'd probably die on the spot before the nefarious scoundrel ever even got to me. Yup, I rock.

Moral of the story kiddies?


Never again.